Monday, July 25, 2011

Motherhood in Any Size Town

Whenever I have a new baby I'm reminded that one of the ways that "they" torture prisoners is by interrupting their sleep throughout the night.  I bet I know another method they use.

Give your subject a task to complete in a certain amount of time.  It needn't be complicated.  Something like, Go through this week's grocery store circular and plan meals for a family of eight.  Match up sale prices and coupons and do not exceed $100.  You have 30 minutes.  Begin.

At random intervals, send in a Distraction to interrupt your subject.  These can increase in urgency and decibel level, depending on how long it takes your subject to break.

You may encounter a subject who has developed a reputation for being difficult to shake.  People who meet her may comment on how calm she appears.  This subject may be able to ignore Distractions going on around her and forge onward with the task at hand.  She has been tortured for many years now and has become immune to rudimentary techniques.

In that case, it is time to move on to Multiple Tasks.  Perhaps combine Attending to Her Morning Regimen along with Getting Baby Ready for His Doctor's Appointment and Making Two Important Phone Calls.  If it appears that she is accomplishing these tasks it will be time to...

Send in Multiple Distractions

The most effective Distractions are those that hang on to her skirt and make a piercing shriek, EEEyahEEEyahEEEyah over and over.  If she ignores the shrieks, have the Distraction bite her leg.  It will be next to impossible for even an experienced subject to apply mascara while being bitten.  It is a virtual certainty that being unable to complete a task because of constant interruptions will eventually break even the most hardened of subjects.

Nooooo!
But fear not, comrade.  If that doesn't work, turn on Dora the Explorer. 



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